When Love Is Too Much
by LadyDemolition
Summary: CrissColfer!fic. A story about love, broken trust, rebuilding a life and hoping for the best. What if you love someone so much you think he deserves so much better? What if you make a wrong decision? What if it's too late? Angst/Hurt-Comfort/Romance/Love.
1. Broken Expectations

**Hey guys! I am back from the death and brought the lovely Sjell along. A wonderful girl I met while Roleplaying on Omegle and we decided that we wanted to write this fic together once we came up with this storyline. I'll say in first place that we may be angst whores but we also love happy endings so don't worry to much about our boys. ;) Enjoy! And if you need more tissues or ice cream - hit us up. ;)  
**

**Disclaimer: We don't own Chris or Darren.**

**Warnings: If you don't like infidility, you should probably not read this. But I promise it only happens once. Other warnings? Tears. Lots of tears. **

* * *

**Chapter 1. Broken expectations**

_I'm on my way honey. Can't wait to finally be home with you –D_**  
**_-_**  
**_I'm never gonna leave you for so long again. God is it possibly to physically hurt of missing someone? –D_**  
**_-_**  
**_I can't wait to have you in my arms. Kissing you. Loving you.. –D_**  
**_-_**  
**_Almost there sweetie.. Is your battery low again? It does say you're getting them? –D_**  
**-**  
**Darren put his key in the lock and walked inside, closing the door behind him softly. He dumped his stuff and moved up straight away, hearing sounds coming from there. Was Chris already preparing himself for him? It would explain the lack of replies at his texts, Darren thought with a smirk. Slowly, but excited, he opened the door of their bedroom.

**"**Love-."

Chris had heard the keys in the door, knowing Darren was coming, but it was his intend. He wanted him to see so he kept rutting back against the other man. The man that wasn't Darren and made sure that he wouldn't look at him. He couldn't look him in the eyes while doing it. When he heard Darren's voice he looked up in horror. Quickly he pulled himself away from the guy and wrapped a blanket around himself.

**"**D-Dare..," he whispered.

Darren felt his jaw go slack, his present for Chris falling to the floor with a hard thump. His eyes darted between the stranger on his bead and Chris, naked. Because Chris had been naked, even though he was covered by a blanket now on the bed they made love on so many times.

**"**W-what..," he started, broken and shocked

**"Get out!" Chris yelled at the stranger, his eyes darting to the present that was lying on the ground in an useless heap. He felt his eyes fill with tears, regret and disgust coursing through his body. Ashamed he looked away, not able to face the man he loved so much and fell into a silence.**

Darren jumped aside when the stranger gathered his clothes hastily, but grabbed his wrist suddenly.

"Don't.. Don't stop on my account," he said harshly and gave Chris was one last glance before he walked out of their bedroom.

Chris shook his head, getting up as quickly as he can and started gathering his briefs that were scattered on the floor. Running after Darren he yelled at him.

**"**No! No, I- Let me explain!," he yelled, while he whimpered softly and looked at Darren with pleading eyes.

**"**No. I see how this is Chris. I'm working for two week in another state and you obviously need someone to fill the hole.. Right?"

Darren tried to sound harsh and angry, he did, but he could hear how thin and hurt his own voice is.

Chris shook his head, eyes darting away while shame crept through his body, making him feel naked. So terribly naked and fragile.

**"**I did it.. f-for you… for us," he whispered, his words barely audible.

**"**What did you just say?" Darren was trained to always hear exactly what Chris said. No matter how soft his words were.**"**Get the fuck out! Leave!" Darren yelled to the stranger that was still standing at the side of their room, his eyes darting between the two of them. "Don't you ever dare to come here again."

Shaking his head, Chris sank down against the wall, not even giving the stranger a last look. He pulled his legs towards him, so incredibly disgusted with himself when he felt his ass pounding because of the previous penetration. The feeling of needing to throw up makes him gag and he swallows thickly to make it go away.

His eyes took in the form of Chris, clearly ashamed and disgusted with himself, but not making any sense to Darren.

**"**You disgust me, you know that?" Darren's harsh voice drifted through the room.

**"**I disgust myself, Darren," Chris whispered in reply, his voice so soft and shaky that he was slightly surprised anything came out in the first place.

**"**You should have thought of that before," Darren sneered. "And don't you dare to say my name like that"

Darren looked away and walked to their tears started to spill from Chris' eyes, shaking his head again as a harsh sob shook through his body.

**"**I did it for you," he whispered again.


	2. Explanations

**Chapter 2. Explanations  
**Hearing the sob and whispered words that he thought he heard earlier, made him turn around and laugh harshly.

"Are you crazy? Did he pound so hard into your willing ass you finally lost it?"

A louder sob escaped Chris' lips. He was crying hard into his hands, his body shaking with the force of Darren's words.

"No…"

"How can you think this was good for me? Tell me, Chris. You think another guy pounding into your ass on our bed made me the happiest guy alive? You think seeing you moaning for another guy makes my heart flutter?" Darren shook his head. "I can't believe you. You're pathetic," he said and turned around to open the closet, grabbing a suitcase.

"I-I know… I just- I wanted to make this easier for you. I wanted- I wanted to..," Chris couldn't finish his sentence, because loud sobs wrecked through him. He felt so sick that his stomach clenched. "I don't deserve you at all, Darren… I don't. I knew you'd- you'd never leave me if I didn't make you," he whispered.

"Well you got your wish granted then. I'm leaving. How many times did this happen Chris? Everytime I left for work in New York? San Francisco? You must be so proud of yourself…"

"No! No… no, I'm not- I'm not a whore, Darren. It was- this... this was the only time and I've never felt so disgusting! I-God, I'm so…" Chris shook his head and rubbed his bare arms. "But you're free for once. I-I… That's all I wanted."

"God do you hear yourself? Don't put this on me! Fuck you make it sound like you cheated on me _for _me! You're… Jesus! Don't you fucking dare to lie to me Chris. Don't you _dare_. I think you did enough."

Darren moved around and started to grab random clothes out of their closet, throwing them carelessly into his suitcase.

Hiding his face into his hands, Chris' body was shaking lightly.

"I did… I did it for you- God, Darren, can't you see that you deserve so much better? That you could _have _so much better? How can you settle for me? I'm just- I'm a fucking mess. I don't deserve you. I don't deserve being happy with you because I want to make you happy but I can't so I'd rather make you leave instead of having you. It hurts so much, but I want you to be able to hate me. You _should_hate me."

"Shut the _fuck_up. Shut _up_! I don't want to hear your lies! You willingly let another guy touch you. You willingly had _sex_with a guy on _our _bed! I thought what we had was special. Was real. Was _it_. You know? The real thing. The forever. You made me the happiest guy alive Chris. And even now… Even when you… ch-_cheated_on me and f-fucked with my head. I-I still can't hate you! Fuck!" Darren yelled, voice sounding so lost it was breaking Chris' heart.

Louder sobs left Chris' mouth, crying even harder after Darren's tirade.

"I love you so much, I just- I hate myself so fucking much and I just want you to find someone who can make you happy. Always. And who doesn't have so many issues that they just can't make you happy all the time. You deserve it, Darren. You deserve _so _much better. You deserve everything and I know I can't offer you that… And yet you still stayed with me, because you're just way too- too _perfect_to leave me. Now you can. Because I'm so disgusting I wouldn't touch me anymore either."

Darren looked at Chris with disbelieve and hurt.

"You… you _planned _this?"

A shaky nod was his first reaction.

"I-I got your messages. It broke me, but I-I knew that you'd come in and see… I wa-wanted you to-."

Groaning, Darren turned around and hit his head against the closet.

"I can't believe this."

Chris stood up on shaky legs and walked to his pile of clothes, pulling on a shirt and some sweatpants.

"I-I'm going for a walk. I can't even- God. I can't even look at myself. I just- I need to get out. You can just pack and… I won't be back until you're gone. I-I'll make sure."

"Don't."

Darren closed his eyes and tried to even his breathing. Knowing the real reason why Chris did this now… It still hurt like hell, but he had to- There had to be a way to fix this. Once and for all.

Stilling, Chris shook his head and rubbed his arms nervously.

"I should."

Walking past Chris' frozen form, Darren bend to pick up the gift he had dropped. He held it in his hands for a while before he turned around.

"You- I brought you this. For you. I need you to take a look at it and think about what you just said."Darren handed him the small bag which contained a small box and walked outside their bedroom, needing to cool down sank to his knees once Darren was gone, sobbing and shaking his head, whispering **'**_no' _over and over again. He broke down completely, curling up on the ground, shivering while his whole body ached.

Meanwhile downstairs Darren sat down on their couch, still not really believing what just happened. Where did they go wrong? When did he make Chris believe he wasn't good enough for him? He gathered his head into his hands and hoped with all his heart that Chris would take a look at the gift. Knowing what it meant after seeing the inscription.


	3. Revelations

**Chapter 3 'Revelations'**

Once Chris was alone he picked up the box in his shaking hands, looking at it and opening it with another loud sob, pinching the bridge of his nose hard.

"Fuck...," he muttered and sat on the floor in silence.

Meanwhile Darren had started to pace the room, desperately needing to get out but at the same time he didn't want to leave Chris, being well aware that once he left it would be forever.

Taking the ring out of the box, Chris traced his fingertips over the cool metal, rolling it around before noticing the small inscription. He winced when he read it, a new stream of tears falling from his eyes.

"No...fuck...no...," he whispered and held the ring tightly in his fist, his chest aching and his heart pounding painfully against his ribcage.

Darren took a glass in frustration, smashing it on the floor, using it as some way to release his hurt. His anger and frustration that was welling up inside of him.

Hearing glass shatter, Chris buried his head in his hands.

"How Darren?" he yells. "How can you - you can't - you can't mean this! You couldn't!" he corrected himself.

Darren could hear Chris calling and he looked up as if he could see him through the ceiling. He quickly grabbed his phone and started a new message.

_If you wanna talk I'm here. I don't...it smells like it up there... -D_

Chris shook his head at the message and stared at the phone blankly, quickly typing back.

_I'm so sorry. I'm so disgusting. I'm disgraceful. I don't want you to see me like this. Not ever. I need to take a bath. I need to wash this off of me. -C_

_I'm here... -D_

Throwing the phone on the couch, Darren started pacing again. Fuck, he really fucked up. Chris fucked up. They both fucked up. How had this happened? They had been so happy. So gloriously happy. Everything was okay. They knew exactly what the other wanted. They fulfilled each other's needs. He opened the door that lead to the garden and sat on the doorstep, staring outside.

Chris got up on shaky legs and walked downstairs. He felt anxious and still oh so naked. Now that he thought about it, it felt surreal. Cheating had always been his one big weakness and he figured that if it hurt him like that in the past, it would hurt Darren enough to make him forget him, that it would erase him from his life. Walking into the room, Chris's arms wrapped around himself protectively, his eyes swollen and unfocused.

"Hey...," he choked out.

Darren looked up at him when he heard his love's scratchy voice behind him.

"Hey...," he replied and shuffled to make room for Chris to sit next to him.

"Are you sure you want me near you...?" Chris whispered and walked closer.

Darren nodded shakily, not able to say it out loud.

Chris nodded as well and sat down next to him, letting out a shaky breath.

Darren looked up at Chris with tearful eyes. "Where did we go wrong?" he asked.

"You mean where did I go wrong...," Chris whispered. "You were nothing but perfect, Darren."

"No. That's not true. I have done something to make you feel unworthy. I-I need you to tell me what," Darren choked out.

"No. You didn't. That's the problem. You treated me so well. Always. And I just - I felt like I couldn't give you that back...I want to - I want to make you feel how you make me feel but I can't so instead I - I figured you could let go of me easier if I did - that...," the younger man whispered brokenly.

"When did you feel my unease with you? My not-happy state? When did I show you I wasn't as content with you as before? When did I not show how incredibly happy you made me?" Darren asked.

"It wasn't you, Darren! It was never you! It's my fucking head that's messed up! Not yours! I just have this fucking insecurities that apparently drove me to doing that to you. You have no idea how much I hate myself. You have no idea how - how filthy I feel. I don't want anyone else but you to touch me. I didn't want it but I needed to do it so you could start hating me. It would be so much easier!" Chris yelled, a harsh sob trembling through his body.

Darren huffed. "Well look how that turned out...," he muttered. "What do I need to do to make you realize you're it for me, Chris?" he asked.

Chris just shook his head. "You do it all the time...please stop searching for a mistake you made." he begged. "I just can't believe how someone like you can possibly want me."

"But there needs to be one!" Darren yelled. "Please!"

"Not...there's not one reason," Chris said.

At that, Darren started to cry.

"I just don't want you to settle...I want you to have your perfect match. I want you to - to be so happy, Darren...," Chris whimpered and looked away, fighting back more tears that threatened to spill from his eyes.

"I have a perfect match. I'm as happy as possible. Please, Chris. There needs to be something. I must have done something wrong, please!"

Chris shook his head, not able to speak so instead he gasped and let out a shaky breath, shaking and starting to cry again.

"There needs to be - it must...," Darren cried and grabbed Chris desperately.

"No! No, don't touch me right now...," he whispered calmly, moving away. "Believe me, Darren," Chris said. "There is no reason. You did everything for me."

Flinching when Chris moved away, Darren looked at him. "You don't get it, Chris. There needs to be a reason."

"But there is none! I promise! I promise, Darren. There is no reason. The reason is that I feel like you deserve better," Chris said.

Darren was sobbing. "But if there's no reason...then how is there a way I can fix this...Chris I -," he started crying harder.

"You shouldn't have to fix this...you shouldn't have to fix me...," Chris whimpered and cried more as well, getting up. "I - I love you so much. Don't feel like I did this to break you. I didn't -"

"No, you did this to break us," Darren said and looked up at him with broken eyes. "I can't believe you want to break us up..."

"I don't - shit...d-don't...I - I - I told you why I did it and I don't expect you to understand...I don't - I don't get it myself...," Chris said.

"You didn't want us together anymore because I deserve better. Because I should be happier. because you think you're not good enough for me. I understand it...I do. I just don't agree with it," Darren stated.

"Then what - what's happening now?" Chris asked, concern clinging to his voice.

"Chris...," Darren whispered, looking up at him, not daring to stand up as well, probably scaring him away. "Maybe you're right. Maybe I can be happier. Maybe I can have someone else..."

Shivering, Chris held back a loud sob.

"But I'm not looking for someone else. Even though he's there. I'm not gonna go looking for him. even if he calls me up and tells me he's the one for me. I'm gonna hang up. Because I. Don't. Care. I have you. Well...at least I think I have and you make me happy, incredibly happy. Happy enough. You make me smile and laugh and feel beautiful. You calm me and always know exactly what to say to me. You put me at ease. You and I just fit. We just _fit_. And that's enough. At least for me...," Darren whispered.

"You always have me," Chris replied quickly. "You - god, I love you so much, Darren and I'm so sorry. I'm just so so sorry. I feel so - so terrible for everything...I - god...I'm so fucking stupid. I'm such a fuck-up. Look at what I'm putting you through!"

Darren looked up at him with trembling lips, hands itching to just touch him, wrap his arms around him, starting the process of making them work again, needing to learn how to trust Chris again.

"I love you, too...," he said finally.

"I'm so sorry...I can never make this up to you again...," Chris said, his voice sad and thin.

"Try...please try..."

"I want to...I just don't know how...I'll work hard for it. I promise."

"I know you will," Darren said, smiling softly and standing up slowly, his hand tentatively reaching out for Chris's.

"I-I want to touch you, Darren but - I feel like...I feel like it's not fair to you. Not when I'm filthy like that...just - let me take a quick bath? I - I am so sorry...," Chris looked at him with pleading eyes.  
Darren nodded. "Okay...could you - open a window upstairs?" He asked, looking uncomfortable and bit his lip. "I'll be just...here."

"Of course! I - shit, of course...I'll change the sheets. Hell, I'll - I'll do anything...," Chris whispered.

"It's a start..., right?" Darren asked, sounding a bit too hopeful but he wasn't able to hold back.  
Nodding, Chris apologized again. "I'm sorry...I'm just - I'm sorry. I hope you can forgive me one day...I know it'll take a lot but - you know I'm not - like this..."

"I'm sure I will...I know that Chris. I do...I know you...," Darren said softly.

"You do...better than I know myself," Chris agreed.

"You should listen to that sentence some more...," Darren smiled softly and squeezed his hand in his gently, walking inside. "Go then."

Chris nodded and returned the weak smile before walking upstairs. He cleaned himself thoroughly, scrubbing at his skin until it was red and tender. He got out of the bathtub to wrap himself up in a fluffy towel, threw his clothes and the sheets in the trash before getting new ones to put them on their bed. Their bed. The one that he'd tainted with something he wouldn't forgive himself for soon either. He walked downstairs again once he was dressed. His hair was styled and his eyes not as swollen anymore, his face freshly shaved.

"Hey...," he whispered softly, his voice croaky.

Darren looked up at him from his guitar, smiling warmly. "Hey...," he replied.


	4. Details

**Chapter 4 '_Details'_**

"Feeling a bit better now?" Darren asked, his voice filled with concern.

"I-Yeah. What about you? Are you okay?" Chris asked Darren, eyes filled with warmth and concern.

"Yeah. I guess," Darren shrugged. Chris immediately felt guilt bubbling up inside him again and felt dirty all over.

"Can I get you something?" he asked with a frown. "Anything to eat? A drink?"Shaking his head, Darren replied. "No. I'm good. Come here," he said and patted the couch next to him, desperate to have him close, at least in some sat down next to him, still a little distant, and sighed. Gently pushing his guitar away he looked at Chris again.

"You're gonna sit here and try to relax a little. I'll make us a pot of tea and we're gonna talk about this, okay?"

"Don't. I'll take care of it, okay? I'm fine.. Just.. You shouldn't be doing things for me right now," he mumbled and gave Darren an apologetic smile before getting up to go to the kitchen, setting up some hot water. Darren sighed but decided to let it go for now, even though he didn't like it. They were equals. Always had been and always will be. Chris needed to remember that. He made a mistake yes. But that didn't mean he was any less than Darren. Not at a few minutes Chris walked back with a pot of tea and two mugs, setting them down before he settled down next to him again.

"Thanks," Darren said softly and grabbed the teapot to pour them both some tea. "You want some sugar?"

"Yes, please."Almost as if they were strangers from each other and Chris was a visitor in his house, Darren grabed the sugarbowl and put one sugarcube into Chris' tea before he settled back against the couch again, looking at Chris.

"I need you to know one thing before we do anything else."

"Okay," Chris said with a small nod, looking back at him.

"We're equals," Darren stated.

"I know that."

"You just don't agree with it. I can tell by the way you just handled this whole tea thing," Darren replied and looked at him with serious eyes. Shaking his head, Chris answered. "No. That was one time now. I just- I feel like I owe you and I don't know how to pay back just yet so I figured doing little things helps...," Chris said and looked at Darren helplessly. "I know that we're equals. We always treated each other that way... I know that."

"Alright," Darren nodded. "I don't want you to feel like you should pay me back or anything, but I think it'll help you to feel better. Am I right?"

**"**It will. And don't worry, please. It's not that I don't think we're equals or I'm weighing out the stuff we do for each other... I just want to this for you and for us," Chris said words made Darren smile and he tilted his head a little.

"Okay. I believe you." Leaning forward he grabbed his cup of tea, pulling it between his hands, letting the warmth spread through his hands, the familiar feeling of comfort accompanying it.

"Good," Chris said and smiled softly, his eyes still not really looking into Darren's, but at least he could face him now. He reached out for his cup as well, grinning at the way Darren held onto it. He knew how much he liked the warmth in his hands. Slowly the scent of tea reached his nose, making Darren smile.

"You made mint tea, my favorite!" Chris nodded softly, still smiling at Darren.

"I did…yes," the younger man chuckled lightly, slowly relaxing into the couch behind him.

"You're the best," Darren said, almost automatically, wincing afterwards when he knew this was too much too frowned. Too well aware of the fact that he was in no way the best. Not today, not ever. He looked away, shame creeping up again, constricting his chest and he took in a deep, shaky breath.

"I'm sorry," Darren muttered, shaking his head, once again fully aware of how long this was going to take.

"It's okay. Don't apologize. I just - don't know how to handle all of this yet…fuck…" Chris muttered, running his hand through his hair before he took a sip from his tea, letting the scent fill his nose, calming him at least a nodded, feeling frustrated by himself.

"Still.. I could have thought about it one second longer.." Running his own hand through his hair he sipped his tea quietly, still not really able to get the image of someone else on and in Chris out of his mind.

"Darren…" Chris whispered calmly. "Stop feeling bad about it. It's okay. Not your fault, it's…just how we used to be." He frowned at his own words.

"And how we will be again.." he said, hoping he sounded confident and nodded slowly. "How we'll be again…" he repeated and looked at Darren with sad eyes, wishing so desperately that he could just kiss him and tell him over and over again how sorry he looked away from Chris' sad eyes, needing to distance himself from him if he wanted to talk about this.

"We need to talk about it," he said again, sounding a bit high nodded again, not trusting himself to speak yet.

"H-How though…?" he whispered, feeling so helpless that he just wanted to disappear when he took another sip from his cup.

"Who was the guy?" Darren asked, sounding cold and distant, but not able to make it sound any different, his fingers clenching around his shuddered at the sudden coldness and firmness in Darren's voice.

"A random guy…I - I didn't really know him," he said, his voice high and shaky.

"What's his name?" Darren asked, feeling the comforting warmth changing into scolding heat, but not able to let his cup go.

"I - I don't remember…I didn't - I didn't talk to him a lot…I wanted to keep it as impersonal as I could," Chris groaned, shaking his head, not really knowing if this made it worse or better.

"What did you say to him?" He asked.

"D-Darren…do we have t-to do this…?" Chris winced at the thought of having to recall it all, his head pounding already.

"We do. I need to know," Darren replied, voice sounding strained and thin, body rigid, the tea not helping anymore.

"But why? Why does it matter? It hurts so much already," Chris said and he could tell Darren was getting upset again. He curled up into himself a little.

"Because I need to know! Why did it happen? What did you do? What did he think? I-I need to know. I know it was meaningless, but I need to know," he said, hearing how angry and upset his own voice sounded, but not really caring. He had every right to be upset and he had every right to know.

"I told you why it happened…I - I asked him to do it anonymously. Discreet. That it wouldn't mean anything but sex." Chris's voice was thin and high pitched. He shuddered at how angry Darren sounded but he understood. There was no reason for him to hold back his emotions.

"And he just said yes? He was actually fine with a night of meaningless nameless faceless sex?"

"Y-Yeah…I wouldn't have done it if that hadn't been the case…like I said - I wanted it to be as impersonal as it could be…"

"How long did you plan this," Darren asked now, not caring that he sounded a bit mechanic and inspector-ish. He needed to knew everything so he could get it out of his system, never being stuck with the questions like 'why' and 'what if' .Chris froze.

"It took me over a week to actually even think about doing it properly…I - it's not something I just did out of the blue…" Chris whispered, frozen by the questions and he felt like Darren was growing colder each minute that passed.

"So I was gone for two weeks and after one week you decided I could have better. You decided that _cheating_, the thing you know hurts the most, was the thing you should be doing to _fix _this all," Darren stated, not looking at Chris but just stating the facts he gathered felt like crying all over again, shaking his head, burying it in his hands after he had set down the cup.

"I - I a-already…" he was crying again by then, harsh sobs rocking through his body. "I - t-told you _why_I did it…and I s-sw-swear I feel so dirty…it's not even funny. I just - feel like taking a bath all over again I - just - it's…I'm the dumbest person to exist. I'm so fucking stupid…" he whispered more to himself than to Darren.

"Chris, don't cry. Please don't cry," Darren said and pinched his forehead between his fingers, feeling a terrible headache coming up. "I'm not trying to make you feel bad. I'm trying to figure this out. I need to do this. I don't want this to happen again. I can't have it happen again," he said sounding pained and hurt.

"I know you don't but I also know how much this hurts you. I should know best how betrayed you feel now. But - I-I just need you to trust me again. That's not who I am. I'm not a cheater. I don't need anyone else, I just need you so much and I screw it all up. Everything good in my life." Chris said and took in a deep breath, his whole chest hurting.

"I want to trust you again. I know you're not a cheater but somehow you thought that cheating was the best thing to do..Do you still remember what the last thing was you heard of me before you decided…this?"Chris nodded, defeated, emptiness washing over him when he took in another shaky breath.

"What was it?" Darren asked and put one hand on Chris' knee needing him to know he still loved him. He still wanted him. He didn't screw it up yet.

"I-I can't say that again…it just - god…" Chris choked out, Darren's last words echoing in his head. '_I love you more than anything and I can't wait to come home and hold you again. You're the best thing that ever happened to me. I miss you.' _Chris felt sick and shuddered, shaking his head, allowing Darren to hold his knee. He needed the slight comfort at this point.

"What did it make you feel?" Darren asked, sounding a bit warmer and concerned again.

"Loved. I f-felt so loved…and sa-safe…" Chris nearly whimpered and took his cup from the table again, his fingers shaking as he took a sip of the warm slowly squeezed his hands on his knee.

"That's because you are loved.. I want you to be safe. Preferably with me," he said, smiling softly. "I-I need you Chris. I did miss you. I.. I bought that ring after that text.." Darren looked away and swallowed away a lump, blinking to stop the tears from felt his body give out again and he just couldn't hold in his sobs anymore. He normally never cried but this hurt way too much and he felt so guilty, like he could never make it up to the man he loved. He'd done something that he knew first hand - hurt so bad that it was nearly impossible to be fixed.

"I - god…I'm so sorry. I'm just so sorry…I - I hate myself so much…it's - now I _know _that I don't deserve you…I don't." He choked out along with another heavy couldn't hold himself back any longer and even though he knew that Chris needed him. Needed his comfort, he knew he couldn't give it to him right now. Things were still unsaid and he didn't want to comfort Chris. Hold him like that before everything was out in the open. He stood up and poured Chris another cup of tea before walking outside, needing fresh air. Needing to be away from the tight air of guilt and humiliation. He knew why Chris did it. But it _hurt_. It hurt so fucking much. The moment Darren decided he loved Chris so much he wanted him to ask him to marry him, Chris had decided he had to find a guy to cheat on him with.


	5. Breaking Point

**Chapter 5 'Breaking Point'**

"Don't leave. Don't leave. Don't. Leave…," Chris whispered under his breath, his heart aching like it was about to burst and he honestly felt like throwing up. His stomach clenched and he winced at the pain, feeling so weak. Chris could've sworn he was in some of his worst nightmares but no - this was real. He had betrayed the love of his life.

Outside Darren felt another hundred questions going through his mind. Did Chris like it? Had he been hard? Did he moan for him? Did he let him dominate him the way he said he only trusted him to do so? Had he trusted him with what he liked? What he needed to come? Had he told him about his boyfriend? Had he lied about him? Without a warning Darren suddenly collapsed in the garden, his body wrecking with sobs, his hands holding his head, tears streaming out of his eyes.

Chris jumped when he heard a heart-wrenching sob coming from outside. He nearly ran outside, breaking at the sight of Darren on the floor, his body shaking and tears streaming down his face. He didn't think about what he was doing next. It was like an instinct. He leaned down and pulled Darren into his arms, crying into his shoulder, holding him so tightly, hoping he wouldn't push him away.

Darren froze in his arms, but couldn't help but not feel comforted by Chris. His arms. His smell. His body that fitted with his so well. Slowly he leaned into Chris, still crying and shaking, his eyes clenched shut and his fingers clenching into his shirt.

"Y-You're still looking for answers, aren't you…?" Chris whispered, still holding on to him as if his life depended on it, his voice so breathy and shaky that he was surprised it even came out in first place.

Nodding, Darren hoped Chris got the message, because he couldn't speak.

"L-Let's calm down, okay…I'll just - " he pulled away, taking his hand in his, squeezing, sitting cross-legged in front of him. "What do you want to know…? I just…please don't go…stay here with me…" he whispered and held his hand a little tighter.

"I-I wasn't planning on leaving," Darren said, voice sounding broken and small.

"I-I mean even getting up…I thought you'd just leave…"

Shaking his head, Darren stayed silent, eyes trained on the floor, hating he was suddenly the weak one and also hating he couldn't voice the questions his mind kept making up, mocking him and his ability to keep Chris happy.

"Darren…talk to me…please - you're right…we need to talk and I'll answer anything. No more secrets. I'll talk. About anything starting now. Forever. I just - I'm sorry…I should've just opened my mouth." Chris whispered, his voice rough and shaky.

Darren turned away his head, happy that Chris was willing to talk but to emotional himself now to voice things. "I- I can't," he said, swallowing his dry throat, wishing he just stayed inside with the comforting mint tea and the comfortable couch.

Chris absently rubbed his thumb over the back of his hand, nodding. "O-Okay…just know that - I felt nothing…I - I just…I didn't do it for fun. Or because I thought I'd have fun…it was - the worst thing I've ever done to myself."

Darren bit his lip, feeling fresh tears rolling out of his eyes, needing to believe him so desperately.

"D-Don't cry…please…I'm so sorry…I - I just needed you to know that…," Chris mumbled

Darren squeezed his hand softly, trying to show his gratitude for that.**  
"**I-," Darren started, but heard how weak and stupid his voice sounded, clenching his lips shut again.

"Darren…please…," Chris whispered, his own voice breaking.

Darren's eyes looked up, finally reaching Chris' eyes again and welled up at the emotions he saw running through them. How was it possible to love someone so much, to need someone so much, but to feel so hurt and angry by that same person?

"Are you disgusted by me…? Like you said you were…? Are you - I get if you never want to touch me again," Chris whispered. Not sure where it came from but he just loved Darren and he hated how he screwed this up.

"N-no," Darren croaked out. "I'm not.. Of course not," Darren said softly, his voice still sounding weak and pathetic.

Chris felt a little more relaxed. Not much but the simple reassurance helped a little bit. He nodded. "I don't get why though…I - I'm so disgusted with myself - I just…would you mind if I took another bath later? I just hate this…"

"Whatever you want," Darren replied, embracing his knees and shivering slightly, it was cold outside. "Stop hating yourself," he said softly. "I don't .."

"I can't," Chris said simply, reaching out again to lace their fingers together. He need the comfort of knowing that Darren was right there with him.

"Then learn to. It made you do this. So it may make you do it again," Darren said, sounding tired and defeated.

"I won't!" Chris said a little too loud, looking at Darren in horror.

"Can you promise me?" Darren asked, looking at him in earnest, hoping Chris found the deeper meaning oft his. It wasn't about cheating. It was about being honest.

elling each other everything. Even the doubts.

"I can. Yes," Chris said firmly, looking at him, trying to convince him that he meant it. Everything.

Darren nodded and stood up, dusting off his pants, wiping away his drying tears. "Okay," he said and walked inside, feeling cold to the bone and desperately needing to feel some warmth again. Inside he grabbed the teapot and poured himself some tea, clinging to it like his life depended on it, while he stared into nothing.

Chris watched Darren and suddenly felt cold all over, shivering and tears still welling up. He got up as well, following Darren, not talking to him but simply to be there.

"You should take that bath," Darren said , sounding a bit emotionless again, his mood switching so often it made his head hurt. On one side he wanted to make things good again but at the other side he was still so fucking hurt and lost.

Chris nodded, the emptiness taking over again when Darren grew distant again, making him wince a little and he walked upstairs without another word, letting out a deep breath as he started the water, gathering some new clothes.

Darren sat on the couch, staring into nothing, seeing the same image in front of his eyes again and again and again. Chris' head thrown back, his neck slightly bruised, his ass around some strangers cock and his arms clenched in the sheets. How many times had they made love on their bed? How many times did he made Chris a screaming, whimpering mess, that only wanted him. Needed him. Begged for him. But still here he was. In someone else' arms. A shot of agonizing pain went through his chest, making him double over, his body jerking, crying dry tears. How could this ever get right again? How could he ever trust Chris again? How could he ever lay down on their bed again without seeing the other guy. Smelling his sex in their room? Hearing the sounds Chris made for some other guy on their bed? He could hear the water running upstairs and he desperately wanted to join. To feel his body warm again. To gather Chris in his arms and wash away everything. Soundlessly and slowly he grabbed Chris' cup with fresh tea and walked upstairs, stilling in front of the bathroom. He could hear Chris' moving in the water, probably trying to rid himself of the smell and touch of someone else. Slowly he walked inside, leaning into the doorway.

Chris was scrubbing at his skin again. It was already red with the force he used to get everything off of him. The filth and disgust, his shame and regret but it didn't seem to work. The water was scolding and he had used too much soap. He let out a frustrated groan and let himself sink back into the water, closing his eyes, wishing Darren would just come to join him, to hold him there and just be with him. He missed how close they were. Inseparable. But things were different now and he had to cope somehow.

Darren stared at Chris, seeing how red his skin was, knowing water and soap couldn't get rid of the filth that was between them now. Chris looked beautiful, even now. Sighing softly he walked towards him and let Chris know he was there. "Hey.." he softly said, keeping his eyes on the tiles.

Chris looked up in horror, the water splashing around him. "Hey…," he whispered back, his voice nothing more than a breathy whisper. He took the loofah in his hand again, applying more soap as he started to clean himself again.

Darren reached out and stopped the loofah, looking at Chris with a frown. "Stop it.. You're breaking your skin," he said softly. Not awaiting a reaction, Darren walked off into their bedroom and looked for the bad oil that made skin go soft again.

Chris stilled and took in a deep breath, putting it down.

Finally found it, Darren walked back and poured a good amount of the oil in the bath. "There.. That's better," he said, because no matter what it was in his nature to look out for Chris. To take care of him.

"Thank you…," Chris said and looked at him with warm, still kinda empty eyes, biting his lip at how caring Darren still was. Even now. He poured some of the water over his arm, wincing at the slight burn. He smoothed it down his body, letting it calm his abused skin.

"I brought you some tea," Darren said and put the mug on the edge of the bath, grabbing a washcloth that was lying there. Silently he poured some of the badoil on the cloth and dipped it into the water. Slowly he began running it down Chris' arms, knowing that he couldn't be taking a bath with him yet, but this was comforting enough for him.

"Thank you so much, Darren - I…," he stopped and smiled weakly, taking a sip before watching Darren, looking up at him, trying to find his eyes. He closed his eyes and let out a shaky breath when Darren ran the washcloth down his arms, soothing the stinging.

Darren remained silent, not knowing what to say. Sometimes actions showed more than words and he hoped Chris knew what this meant. He wasn't disgusted with him. He needed him close again. He wanted them to get like this again, but it couldn't be fully yet. Slowly he run the washcloth over his form, before dropping it into the water and getting up.

"Thanks…," Chris whispered again and laid back into the water, looking at the ceiling, breathing deep and slow.

"I'm gonna make us some dinner," Darren said, finally speaking again and with one last lingering look he walked downstairs, not hungry at all, but knowing they needed to eat something. He settled for a simple soup with bread and started working on it, needing to keep his mind of things.

Okay," Chris said and god, he didn't even know if he could eat without throwing up. He got up and out of the bathtub, looking around for a towel. He dried himself off quickly and changed into a simple grey V-neck and some black sweatpants. He hesitated a little, waiting and giving Darren some time before he walked downstairs again.

Darren looked up from his chopped vegetables when he saw Chris coming down the stairs, looking clean and fresh again. "I'm making soup," he said, not really knowing why.

Chris couldn't help but smile at this simple information. He nodded. "Great," Walking over to a chair to sit, he watched Darren. "Can I help you?"

Darren looked at Chris and saw him smiling, making him smile in return, even though it was strained and felt unnatural. "You can start the bouillon?" he asked.

"Of course!" Chris said quickly and started setting it up for Darren.

"How's your skin," Darren asked and couldn't keep the worried tone out of his voice.

"It's good, Darren, really. The oil helped a lot. I didn't realize I had done it so hard," Chris said and kept working before finishing and sitting down again.

"Good.. You have a sensitive skin," Darren said, knowing way too well how Chris' skin responded. His scratchy stubble was often prove enough. "Maybe you can set the table?" he asked, hoping he didn't sound to commanding.

"I do," Chris agreed and felt his stomach turn when he remember just why Darren knew that. How well he knew him in first place. "Of course!" Chris said enthusiastically, taking some bowls and spoons to set the table.

Working together had always been one of their strong bases. They just did that in perfect sync. It's what made Ryan pick him in the first place. "What would you like to drink with it?" Darren asked him and continued making the soup, putting the vegetables in it while grabbing the little meatballs for in it.

"Would it be inappropriate to say anything that gets me drunk?" Chris chuckled, trying desperately to lighten the mood. "No, well…a Diet Coke will do just fine," he said.

"Coke with rum?" Darren offered, knowing it wouldn't fall to hard and it still would take the edge of things.

"Sure," Chris replied.

"Can you watch the soup for me? I.. Just remembered I have to unpack the bag I eh.. Yeah.."

"Oh…yes, yes, of course," Chris said, frowning when he remembered and got up to stir the soup a little.

"Thanks," Darren said and moved past Chris, making sure there body's didn't touch, because he wasn't sure if he could still leave then. Upstairs he only now noticed the way their whole bedroom was cleaned. New sheets. The window open. His packed bag still at the wall. In the end it was all a very painful memory. As quickly as he could he started to put his clothes back, grabbing a boxershort and a shirt so he could sleep on the couch tonight.

Chris absently watched the soup, seeing it boil and he felt sick again when he remembered how Darren would be reminded as well.

Darren walked out of their bedroom as quickly as he could so he wouldn't be remembered even more, putting his clothes on the stairs before walking into the living room again. "There.. All set?" he asked and walked towards the liquor cabinet, grabbing some Bacardi and coke.

"Yeah. It's ready, I think," Chris said awkwardly, standing there, completely lost.

"Hey.. Come here," Darren said softly, gesturing towards the table. "You did a great job," he smiled and smiles softly. "I can never make my bouillon taste that good," he said, laughing slightly.


	6. Time

**Chapter 6 'Time'**

"You want some bread with it?" Darren asked, aware of the fact that they both probably didn't want to eat anything.

"No. I'm fine, thanks," Chris replied. His stomach already bubbling uncomfortably when he thought about how he was supposed to eat something. Even though it was only soup he felt like he couldn't keep it to himself.

"I know we're both not hungry, but we have to eat…otherwise we're gonna wake up in the middle of the night, stomachs rumbling and all," he said, acknowledging their discomfort of eating right now.

Chris nodded. Darren was right of course so he took a deep breath and looked at Darren again with a frown. "I know…I just can't promise you that I won't get sick…," he whispered, barely audible and he hated himself for making himself seem like he was the victim here.  
"Me neither," Darren admitted and grabbed a spoon, moving it around his soup distractedly.  
Chris let out a shaky sigh and picked up his spoon as well, biting his lip before taking a first sip. The warmth of the warm liquid soothed his sore throat but made his stomach clench lightly. Swallowing thickly he put the spoon down again.

"It tastes good," Darren said softly, desperate to get rid of the uncomfortable atmosphere.  
"It does. I'm glad at least one of us can cook so we don't starve to death," Chris chuckled, shifting in his seat a little.

"There's always take out," Darren laughed softly, taking another spoonful. After a couple of spoons he could feel his nose running. "Shit, soup always does that," he said and excused himself from the table to grab a tissue from the side table.

Chris nodded, smiling. "Yeah. It's saved us so many times before," he said softly and frowned. "Well…at least your nose is free now?"

While he wiped his nose clean, he could feel the burning in his eyes, this time having nothing to do with the soup. Without trying to let Chris see, he discretely wiped away his tears and tried to focus on the here and now. They were still together. Chris was here. They were trying…

"You okay?" Chris asked in a soft voice, looking sincerely concerned.

"Y-Yeah," Darren muttered, feeling a new wave of tears coming down, making him sink down on the couch, not able to pretend anymore.

"Darren…," Chris whispered brokenly. He couldn't take this anymore. He sat down next to him with a sigh and leaned his head back. His head was pounding and his stomach sinking. "Do you…want me to move in with Ashley for a week or so…?"

Darren quickly shook his head, even though he didn't know for sure. Maybe it was a good idea. Maybe he should leave the house, move in with Joey again. But a big part of him was afraid that if he left, things would never be okay again. Chris would never let him in like this. Like he had done for the last couple of months.

"It's fine really…you got your stuff here. I can just - go for a few days…give you some time…I - I hate breaking you like this," Chris confessed and rubbed his eyes. They were burning and he couldn't cry anymore at this point.

Wiping away the tears and snot, Darren thought about this. "I can't," Darren said softly, fingers clenching in the fabric of his jeans.

"What do you mean…?" Chris whispered, his voice thin and breaking lightly.

Darren looked at Chris sideways, turning his tearful, big hazel eyes at him. "I can't let you go."

Chris's breath hitched when he saw Darren's teary, golden eyes. He shuddered and nodded, choking out a small "Mhm…," before feeling tears well up in his eyes again. "Okay…I - I won't then…I'll be here. I'll - I can sleep on the couch or in the guest room…it's okay."

"No," Darren said firmly and shook his head. "I - you take the bed," he honestly wouldn't be able to sleep in that room for some time.

"O-Okay…," Chris whispered. He understood Darren's hesitation and simply nodded to himself. "Of course…," he breathed.

"I'm gonna take a shower," Darren said and stood up, needing to get away from everything for a little while again. He actually longed for a bath, but that didn't seem like a smart option either.

"Right…okay…I'll - clean this up," Chris looked at the kitchen and got up, starting to put away everything.

"You can leave the dishes for me.. I don't mind," Darren muttered before he went upstairs. He didn't like the fact that Chris wanted to do everything out of guilt, but knew he couldn't really do something about it. Things had to be rebuild. Slowly. Steadily. Maybe everything went too fast. They started out of nothing. A simple kinkgame suddenly turning into something way heavier and way bigger than both could have foreseen. It was coming from a mutual trust and respect, yes, but love was something going so much deeper, so much more fundamental.. It wasn't really weird that Chris thought it would all fall apart some day. What was supposed to start with slow date's, first kisses, started with a blowjob and incredibly hot roleplay sex. Not really a good first base, he supposed. It had been his mistake. He started to jerk of first, didn't he? He blurred the lines of friends and something more. Maybe he was the one who should be creating their starting base again. Their foundations. Creating mutual trust, love and devotion. Stepping underneath the shower he started thinking of ways to do that.

Chris nodded softly and watched as Darren left. The sinking feeling came back quickly and he just stood in silence for a few seconds. Letting the whole situation sink in all over again. He tried to remember why he'd felt like cheating was something he had to do in first place, considering that their relationship had started off as something so intimate. They'd started out as nothing but sexual. Best friends of course but they also had the kinks they tried, the love they made and it had made them so much stronger and connected them so much more. Chris knew he needed to earn that trust all over again, getting back that connection they had in first place because what they had had was nothing he wanted to give up just like that and yet he had done it. By bringing a stranger in. Someone who would never be what Darren was to him and who he'd never trust enough to let him do the things he did with Darren. While it was sex it had never been less loving or less important to them. It was a deep connection and he wanted to fight for this.

Slowly, Chris started to clean up, even the dishes even though Darren told him not to,only to slump back on the couch in frustration once he was done, waiting for Darren to be done with his shower.

Feeling the soothing water run down his back he closed his eyes, hands softly washing his own skin, but not really doing anything about the hurt and filth he could feel inside. He began to think of ways to make up with Chris. To start their relationship all over. He needed to think of things, because the idea of not being able to fix this, made him ache inside. What were possibilities for him? What made their friendship so unique? What was their thing? The thing that would hold and keep them together. Humor, yes. Mutual interest like Star Wars and Harry Potter. Their want to fight for what's right. Were those things he should start with again? They didn't sound good enough, not nearly enough to glue back together what was so abruptly torn apart. Groaning softly, Darren let the water clean his body before stepping out of the shower, still not one step closer to finding a solution. Wasn't there a helpbook for situations like this? How to get your relationship back in ten days or something? He needed that. Hell he would pay big money for that. But even though he didn't want to believe it, somewhere deep inside he knew the healing of their relationship needed to come from both parts. It wasn't something that could be healed in ten days. It was something that was gonna take a long, long, time. Darren could only hope, that they had enough time for that.

Chris was still sitting on the couch, his face buried in his sweaty palms and he shook his head lightly. How the hell was he supposed to fix this? Fix the man he loved and the relationship that was so sacred to him? No matter what Darren thought at that point. Chris would always love him and he knew that the guilt would probably never fade completely. He hated how it made him feel. How he felt used even though it had been his idea. He didn't want to be touched like that by another man. Didn't want to make noises when it wasn't Darren eliciting them from him. There was no way he'd ever forget the pure horror, the hurt in Darren's eyes. It was like he hadn't only betrayed him but broken him. Broken his trust and his soul. He knew Darren wasn't normally like that. This mess of a man, but a fun guy. A humorist guy who'd make lame Star Wars references whenever he could. Who'd quote Harry Potter even when it wasn't appropriate and talk like Batman when Chris curled up next to him in bed, trying to sleep but not able to because he'd giggle and swat at his arm only to lean in for a gentle kiss. He'd loved this softer side of their relationship because as kinky and as much into roughness they were, there was always care and love in Darren's eyes. No matter what they did, he always felt safe in the other's arms. Tears were welling up again and god, how tired Chris was of crying. It was like his body couldn't even produce tears anymore, leaving his sobs dry as he took a pillow from the couch, holding it to his aching stomach as he cried more. He had always been one to wish for change but this time he desperately needed it. If only he had a time machine. He should've known better. Chris remembered the texts Darren had sent him, the love that he put into his voice whenever he called. He had been a complete idiot for thinking that he wouldn't deserve Darren. Darren loved him so much and in a way that he'd never had experienced. He was used to being put down, being treated like he didn't mean as much but not with him. He knew he'd always come first for the other man and just the simple realization made his chest ache and stomach turn as he started to feel sick, swallowing thickly to keep himself from throwing up. Too disgusted with himself and even though his skin was hurting from how roughly he'd scrubbed at it before, he somehow felt like showering again. Because maybe this time the shame and filth would finally let go of him.


End file.
